Betty ford says i'm here all night
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I have feelings that need drinking.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
