I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
