Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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