i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
