just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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