I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
