Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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