ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
