I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
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