I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
