I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
