allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
