Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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