Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
