don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
