I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Randomize
