I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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