One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
