Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I need to sanitize my soul.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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