STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
