I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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