and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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