dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
My penis needs a shock collar
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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