I never want to see another naked old woman again.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Randomize
