Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
