You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Randomize
