Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
