Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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