Only a mothe r could love this liver
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Im just a social blackout drinker.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
