New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Never joke about your clitoris.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
