Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
A bitchslap is in order.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
