my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Randomize
