I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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