Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
