The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
