Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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