Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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