Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
