Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
