I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
