I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
