No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Come on in and take your pants off
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