im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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