Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
