Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
