My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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