i dedicated my morning wood to you.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
