as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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