I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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