She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
