I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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