What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
