How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Randomize
